The Efed Podcast - Episode 1
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Syndicate Wrestling & Tradition

Battleground

EVENT AIRED: Feb 11, 2020

Battleground #23: Love Hurts

SOURCE: http://xhf09.proboards.com/thread/13606/battleground-23-love-hurts-show?page=1&scrollTo=53645

 

Syndicate Wrestling & Tradition and the XHF presents ....


 
Coming to you LIVE from AccorHotels Arena , Paris France.
 




Jeremy Tucker : Welcome! Welcome to The City of Love, PARIS! Welcome to Battleground! WELCOME TO SWAT!!!!

Andrew Fulton : Mecri Jerrard.

Jeremy Tucker : You speak French now?

Andrew Fulton : We.

Jeremy Tucker : Please. What else do you speak?

Andrew Fulton : Ooooh La La.

Jeremy Tucker : Ok. We have a huge show coming up for you folks, both the SWAT WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSIP and THE XHF X CROWN CHAMPIONSHIP on the line!

Andrew Fulton : I still can’t believe Tarrasque won the Royal Rumble!

Jeremy Tucker : Believe IT! He is in career best form, and a HUGE chance to take the gold from "Monsieur Dropkick".

Andrew Fulton : The Pupil meets the Teacher. Jonnie has forgotten more about wrestling than Tarrasque has forgotten about his family.

Jeremy Tucker : Zoran is meeting up with Frostbite tonight, and folks, we have a treat to open the show tonight, because as you can see in the ring, SUITS SUITE is coming to us RIGHT NOW! Take it away Suit!

Andrew Fulton : When am i going to be a guest on this show?

Jeremy Tucker : When you win the X Crown Fulton.

Andrew Fulton : I had him on my show for his SHOOT!

Jeremy Tucker : (ignoring Fulton) Take it away Suit!

We switch the ring and the Suite is set up and not only in there is The Big Bad Bustling Bandit, but the XHF X CROWN Champ himself, Zoran Sainovic.

Soutter: Welcome Zoran. We haven’t spoke in awhile, but it seems like congratulations are in order. Looks like your interim commissioner status is continuing, you won the X*Crown, got past Matei. Hell the only thing that didn’t go your way was Pesci, and I have to congratulate you on that too.

Zoran Sainovic: I was not displeased with ze outcome of zat exchange.

Soutter: Nah, him not being around to keep things in check seems to have done wonders for you.

Zoran Sainovic: I am not complaining.

Soutter: First question, you promised the fans that tonight we would see Radu Matei versus Timeless, Hell in a Cell... yet it doesn’t seem to be on the line-up. If you want to continue to be SWAT’s acting commissioner, it makes sense to deliver on the big matches you promise.

Zoran Sainovic: Zanks for ze tip. Having already put together a line-up zat makes Syberus’ greatest show Battleground look like ze inane hyperbole of a child, it made little sense to hand ze SWAT fans our biggest grudge match when it would only end up buried in ze midcard. Zere is also ze little problem of Radu Matei’s participation. Last time I saw him, Matei was sinking into zat river of raw sewage known as ze Hudson. As far as I’m concerned I flushed zat piece of shit. Oh, I may not have gotten ze pinfall in my first XHF X*Crown defence, but as a consolation prize I did end zat smug son of a bitch’s career!

*monster boos*

Zoran Sainovic: I hope all you Radu Matei fans tuned into No Man’s Land... pretty certain its ze last time you ever see zat rotting corpse. I’m sure he’s host to a hell of a lot more insects as a water logged cadaver! You all zought I was a pencil pusher... zat I only won ze X*Crown because Pesci didn’t send Psychotic Goth, Lucky Linda, Johnny Valentine or Suzi Spitz.

SWAT is ze greatest and any member of ze roster could do it! Right? RIGHT? Wrong!

We had a handful of wrestlers from other XHF satellites in ze rumble - and zey kicked SWAT’s asses! Ze only reason Cafferty didn’t take it was Tarrasque getting an incredibly lucky draw! I know, I dropped in.

I won zis belt because I am ZE BEST ZAT ZE XHF HAS TO OFFER. It’s about time zat ze ungrateful SWAT fan base rubbed zeir two IQ points together and got with ze program. As long as I’m slumming it in Syndicate Wrestling, you fucktards should get down on your hands and knees, zanking your lucky stars zat ze best wrestling mind in ZIS world is not only ZE champion, but booking your shows. As far as my image as accountant is concerned, I went TOE to TOE with ze Dixie Beast... ze monster zat has held zis federation in a stranglehold since his arrival... and not only did I successfully defend my belt against your sacrificial idol, I took ze best he had to offer... I survived. He didn’t.

You can add Radu Matei’s name to ze long list of dead weight zat won’t be darkening SWAT’s doorstep again. I saw to zat. Beelzebozo, DRAMA, Hell’s Bouncer, Duke Kosloff, Avery McCullen, Brian Acres - it’s a new year. A better year. Cut ze fat! If Matei ever finds a way to come back from No Man’s Land, he’ll have zat Timeless cell match to look forwards to, but personally, I don’t zink ze broken shell I left behind has what it takes.

Soutter: And what are your plans for the X*Crown? I understand that SWAT is hosting it until the next XHF event in April?

Zoran Sainovic: A Rumble. Not ze best scenario for a champion to retain in, just ask Syberus. So I will be defending against inferior competition between now and zen. I was originally livid when ze enhancement talent picked a fight with me, but having all zese potential challengers in Rajiv Khan and TJ Souza? I could practically kiss zose helpless buffoons! Not just a cake walk, but ze pastry literally bringing me a fork? Delicious!

While hedging my bets - I still want everyone to know zat ze X*Crown is ze best championship. It represents 4000 different titles, absorbed from many XHF federations. When I one day relinquish ze X*Crown, no doubt because I have died of old age, I want my legacy to live on. So I shall be adding a SWAT championship to its illustrious collection. Ze federation is too big to take ze World, Amazon, or Hardcore championships out of circulation but ze PanAm? Or perhaps I’ll just invite one of ze former regional champions to come in and put me over. Sly Fondell, Adrian Tanner, Dan Stein, Frank Wilkes... I could easily take ze Caribbean or Australia strap and add it to MY pile!

Hell, if I hadn’t fired Beelzebozo, ze Atlantic Coast tin would be in zis Crown.

Soutter : Sounds like you got a lot of ideas, Zoran, but aren’t you looking past Frostbite?

Zoran Sainovic: Frostbite? Isn’t he going to play ball? I made zis a blanket fort match as a sign of good faith.

Soutter: That had me scratching my head. What exactly is a blanket fort match?

Zoran Sainovic: We have ze ring dressed up in sheets, pillows, couch cushions - high thread count, SWAT spared no expense - and ze X*Crown hidden somewhere in ze Fort Knox of fabrics. I don’t know where ze production assistants hid it , me and ‘Bite go to town searching zrough, and ze first one to retrieve ze strap is ze new champion. ‘Bite can stand in ze corner searching zrow pillows zat litter ze steel steps to add dramatic tension.

We don’t even come to blows. Wouldn’t want to rough him up for doing ze right thing, I’m good management zat way.

Soutter: Right thing? Knowing Frostbite the way I do, I think he’d rather throw down with you and make a real run for the Crown.

Zoran Sainovic : Look. I know I was more a Pesci associate zan a member of the KGB, and Timeless is ze only member of your camp I have a strong working relationship with, but I zought we had an understanding?

Soutter : And what would that be?

Zoran Sainovic : Frostbite takes a dive, and I continue to show your goons preferential treatment.

Soutter : The Bandits might be a lot of things... but I would never order one of my boys to lay down!

*The crowd pop hard, not because they like Frostbite, but they do respect Soutter’s stance on sportsmanship*

Zoran Sainovic: You might want to zink long and hard before you get on my bad side.

Soutter: You have a good side? Zoran, you might want to offer that deal to the New Breed, ‘cause the Bandits don’t need preferential treatment.

Zoran Sainovic: You REALLY want to push zis? It’s not like your giving up much. Frostbite doesn’t exactly have ze best track record in title shots!

Soutter: THE ONLY REASON THAT FROSTY ISN’T WORLD CHAMP IS THAT I SPENT LAST YEAR MAKING HIS LIFE HELL. THAT’S OLD BUSINESS! THIS IS NEW! THERE ARE NO DISTRACTIONS! YOU PUT ON A MATCH THINKING FROSTBITE WOULD LET YOU WIN? TONIGHT HE WILL TAKE YOUR CROWN, AND LEAVE YOU IN SUCH BAD SHAPE YOU WON’T EVEN BE ABLE TO TAKE IT OUT ON THE BANDITS!!!

*The crowd pops hard again. They hate the KGB, but appreciate Soutter standing up for his crew*

Zoran Sainovic : You zink your doing ‘Bite a favour? Zink again! Zis match will be his END! He dares to put up a fight against ME? ME!? He tries anything, and zat stupid bastard will meet ZE PAIN.

I called it a Blanket Fort DEATH Match for a reason...

With friends like you, Paul, Frostbite doesn’t need enemies.

[Placing the X*Crown strap over his shoulder, Zoran shoots Soutter a dirty look before turning to leave. The Big Bad Bandit looks ready to throttle SWAT’s acting commissioner. The more things change.]

Soutter: There’s still the little question of a missing two million dollars....

Zoran sainovic : Paul, if you were good with numbers - you’d still be ze owner.

[Soutter stares daggers at Zoran as he bee lines it to the back]

Jeremy Tucker : Wowee! How about that?

Andrew Fulton : Zoran didn’t mean to upset the Founder.

Jeremy Tucker : I think he just screwed HIMSELF Fulton!

Andrew Fulton : I ..... I don’t know what to think.

Jeremy Tucker : We’ll be right back folks with some words from SWAT’s finest!

 

[Fade in to Rally Jackson backstage.  He has found catering before they have a chance to clear out when they heard him coming; stomping down the hall.  He is savaging some fetuccini alfredo.]

Rally Jackson:  Carb loading.

[Some of it falls off his mouth to the floor.  A little bit stops at his gut and starts hanging off his stomach.]

Rally Jackson:  I don't believe in the five second rule.  I will sample a gorgeous exotic dancer's excrements, but I will not eat off the floor.

::clears his mouth::

Love hurts Travis Daniels.  From what I hear, you have been going through a few marital problems.  Having a hard time getting visitation with your daughter.  

I can relate.

I've lost count how many illegitimate children I have from working women and none of them let me see them.  Oh you better believe they make sure they get their child support though.  Frankly, I blame Cardi B.

How does one even fight for visitation though?  Take them to court?  I don't even know their real names.  I know them all by Cookie and Mercedes and Licorice.

Man at Catering:  ::refilling the pasta as he says this::  How do they get child support then?  Wouldn't you know the names of people you are legally required to give money to?

Rally Jackson:  Quiet you.  We don't need you interrupting with your logic and common sense.  Go make yourself useful by getting more of those blondie brownies.

Anyway Travis, if the ex Mrs. Daniels needs someone to step in and be the man of the house she knows where to find me.  Dad bods are in these days.

Man at Catering:  Whose dad are you, Jabba the Hut?

Rally Jackson:  Seriously dickhead, those brownies?

Sorry about that Travis.  Anywho I'll raise your kid for you.  You had a good run of it now it's my turn.  Women, they are a lot more desperate second time around.  I'm sure you were a perfect gentleman but shit just did not work out.  Now I can just step in, provide for her with the money earned from kicking the crap out of you, and be the man that binge watches Tiny Houses with the divorcee as she cooks me some pulled pork nachos.



Rally Jackson:  I'm half kidding Trav.  I mean sure, I'll bed her if she lets me but I would feel obligated to compensate her when it's over.  Force of habit I guess.  

And honestly, she would really probably hate it when I started hanging around the doorway when she's taking a....

Man at Catering:  Crabcakes, we got fresh crabcakes!

Rally Jackson:  Put one or five aside for me, I'm almost done.

I'm pretty much balling now.  After finishing twentieth place in the battle royal I am making serious bank.  I would ordinarily take my earnings with me to Pahrump, Nevada, but I think I'm going to do the mature thing and invest this time.  Or save.  Or whatever it is adults do.  You can't do this wrestling jazz forever.

And that's where you come in.  You're that next step for me in that late stage retirement down the road.  A couple victories over some schmucks like you.  You who thinks you're a veteran at 33.  Mothafucka when I was 33, Sock Foley was handing me every title he could in the Hardkore Great White North.  Including tag team champion.  He made me tag team champion and not in like a storyline way, he just pretended the tag titles was a singles title for a while.  You got a way to go my man.  You're no vet.  You come talk to me when you compete in a battle royal AND have a meeting with your AARP contact in the same day.  You're just a kid.  Baby, all I have to do is sit on you to beat you.

But that requires too much effort.

Instead...

Instead I think I'll just pop your knee.

[Fade.]

 

At a shopping mall’s food court. Tarrasque and Marcus Anderson sit at a table. Marcus has a Subway sandwich while Tarrasque works on two different buckets of boneless wings.

Anderson: How good was Jonnie Valentine as a wrestler back in the day?

Tarrasque pops a spicy boneless chicken wing in his mouth, but speaks around the mouthful of food. He shrugs.

Tarrasque: Me no know. Him was boss, not wrestler then. Him wrestle before. Me guess him good.

Anderson: They say he’s forgotten more about wrestling than you’ll ever know. How true do you think that is?

Tarrasque: Me know a lot about wrestling, but maybe him know more. But me am strong! Me win match.

Marcus nods, taking a bite of his sandwich. He sets the food down as a man in a sorcerer's robe walks up to the table and seats himself down. He unhoods himself to reveal short black hair and a villainous goatee.

Xian Tsar of the Black Guard. The Warhammer Corporation’s lead recruiter. Xian Tsar. The man who led the strike upon a young Tarrasque’s home to collect him for the Warhammer Corporation’s Super Soldier program when he was twelve years old.

He grins as he looks from Marcus to Tarrasque, his eyes black as night.

Tsar: So, you are looking to recruit for your company, eh? Who do you want?

Anderson: I don’t want anyone.

Xian Tsar narrows his eyes, watching Tarrasque eating away. He looks to Marcus.

Tsar: Why do you want me then? I do collection work. Unless you want someone dead. Do you, Anderson? Do you want someone dead?

Anderson: We want a name.

Xian Tsar looks taken aback by this.

Tsar: “We”? We want a name? You mean this slavering beast wants something other than his next morsel of food or who to crush next?

Tarrasque pounds on the table, making everything on it jump.

Tarrasque: Me want name!

Tsar: Whose name do you want? I don’t quite follow.

Anderson: We want Tarrasque’s real name. You did the job to get him in the first place. I would imagine that you kept records of everyone you “recruited”. Who is Tarrasque, really. What is his name?

Xian Tsar looks from Marcus to the now hopeful looking Tarrasque.

Tsar: You think I have records or memories of a job that I pulled back in the eighties? I don’t keep trophies of every family I’ve destroyed. You think that Tarrasque was the only child I took during the eighties? He was one of a hundred. You think I know the names of everyone I took? No.

Anderson: Only two survived the process and Tarrasque killed the other one in the Akira Dome. I’m sure you kept the name of the only surviving living weapon. Who is he? Answer me!

Xian Tsar places a hand on the table, lightning arcing between his fingers as he displays a cruel smile.

Tsar: I think you should let old questions rest, or else. I’ll be lea-

Xian Tsar flies backwards to the floor with the seat, boneless chicken wings flying everywhere as Tarrasque hits him with a bucket of chicken. Tarrasque flips the table to the side, leaping at Xian Tsar to grab him by the front of his robes with both hands in a rage.

Tarrasque: You give name. NOW!

Anderson: The fuck? Tarrasque! No!

Tarrasque flies up into the air and nearly ten feet back, crashing through another table covered in the food of a small family, a thunderclap booms through the food court. Xian Tsar stands up, but has to go on the defensive to block incoming punches from Marcus Anderson. Xian catches a fist with a sneer, sending electricity through Marcus’ body to send him crumpling to the floor.

Tsar: I said or else. Now, Tarras-

Tarrasque spears Xian Tsar to the floor and begins wailing on him with lefts and rights. An explosion of light sends Tarrasque flying into the front of the Subway where he cracks the glass covering the ingredients. Xian Tsar stands up, wiping blood from his nose and mouth, angry now. He walks over to Tarrasque, sending out a stream of lightning with his right hand to pin Tarrasque down.

Tsar: I never understood why they let you live. A failed super soldier experiment. They should have killed you and fed your corpse to the beasts that lurk in Twilight.

Tarrasque tries to stand up, but falls back down to one knee. Xian Tsar laughs, keeping the stream of power aimed at the beast.

Tsar: What are you now? Hmm? Not the strongest. Not the best. Not even mediocre.

Tarrasque lets out a roar, standing up as the lightning leaves burn marks on his now bare chest, the shirt having been burned away. Xian Tsar’s eyes go wide, he points his left hand at Tarrasque, sending the power of lightning from both hands to bring Tarrasque back down to his knees. Xian grins madly as blood trickles from his nose across his bared teeth.

Tsar: Who is strong now? Hmm, beast? Who is strong now?

Tarrasque grits his teeth, blood flowing from his mouth from where he bit his tongue.

Tarrasque: Me.

Tsar: What’s that? I can’t hear you. Who is strong now?

Tarrasque: Me am.

Tarrasque slowly stands up and takes halting step after halting step toward Xian Tsar, the Emperor Palapatinesque attack upon him having less and less of an effect. Xian Tsar begins to look panicked.

Tsar: You. Will. Die.

Xian Tsar begins to mouth the words to channel the magic to kill Tarrasque when Marcus Anderson breaks a chair across his back to stun him. The magic stops as Xian Tsar stumbles forward right into Tarrasque’s grasp, who seizes him by the throat and lifts him into the air.

Anderson: I’m sure you have records of every single soul that you took over the years, Xian. All we’re asking for is the one name. What is Tarrasque’s real name?

Xian Tsar chokes, trying to speak. Marcus sighs and puts a hand on Tarrasque’s shoulder.

Anderson: Let him down and let him go so he can speak, Tarrasque.

Tarrasque grunts as he lets Xian Tsar down. Xian clutches at his throat, trying to regain his breath.

Tsar: The name. Tarrasque’s name. It’s...PRAETERVOLO!

Xian Tsar shines brightly and vanishes with a thunderclap. Tarrasque blinks, looking to Marcus.

Tarrasque: Where him go? Me name Prartervolgo?

Anderson: My best guess is that he managed to teleport away. Your name is not whatever he said there. That was his escape. We won’t catch him unawares again. We really need D.

Tarrasque sighs.

Tarrasque: One of him officers maybe know. We get them say me name.

Anderson: We need to work quickly before Xian Tsar can warn his people. I’ll research who was around during that time to see who to get.

Tarrasque: Policemen.

Marcus whips his head around to see several police officers with their weapons out and trained on Tarrasque.

Anderson: Hold up! I can explain everything!

 

 

Show In Progress

Show in progress as of posting this here. Enjoy it so far? Follow up on the SWAT site at: http://xhf09.proboards.com/board/635/swat-shows

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